The Five Stages Of Grief
by lunafan4ever
Summary: Remus deals with the aftermath of Halloween 1981.
1. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that looks familiar, and I am certainly not the incredible J.K. Rowling, though I doubt you ever thought that was the case. Any mistakes herein are mine alone.

Lengthy AN alert. I'm sorry about this but I feel the need to explain myself here, because this is so far from what I usually like to write. I'm not sure there is really any excuse for this, except, perhaps that the bunnies won't leave me alone until I transcribe them somewhere. This particular bunny resulted in... well this.

This isn't really how I picture Remus, and it has been shown several times in canon that he can be short-tempered as anyone. That said, this is what came out of my mind.

When I first got the idea for the fic I didn't picture the second chapter existing at all, and I am still not sure if it really adds anything to the story... you could tell me your opinion, if you have the time.

Feedback is always welcome, even if you hated it.

Also, this fic follows the Kübler-Ross model of the five stages of grief, in case anyone wanted to know.

Without further ado; onwards, to the fic!

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><p><strong>1981<strong>

Sirius, James and Peter had always joked that Remus used up his most extreme emotions on the night of the full moon so that he could remain cool and collected for the rest of the month. Remus had always laughed it off, but there was no denying that it was at least partially true. Remus was temperate. He was the level-headed marauder. He had never been plagued by the deep infatuation that affected James so strongly, never experienced hatred with the burning ferocity Sirius felt, never fallen into the hero-worship of his friends the way that Peter had. Remus was irritated by Peter's constant fawning over their friends and repelled when James went too far in his taunting of the Slytherins, but he was never effected enough to speak up about them. When Sirius sent Snape to the Shrieking Shack, Remus was furious and horrified, but even so he didn't rant and yell the way that James had. Remus knew that his emotions rarely got out of hand, but he never thought he that he wouldn't have the ability to cry over something like this.

Denial – Remus certainly knew that this was 'not just a river in Egypt' as Sirius had been so fond of saying. When he heard the news, how could he not deny it? It was simply inconceivable that Sirius would betray James. The two men meant more to each other than anyone. Remus had thought their friendship was even stronger than the love between James and Lily. There was no way that Sirius would have turned his back on that! No, Dumbledore must have been mistaken, something else must have happened...

Anger – An emotion that Remus was all too familiar with these days. Sirius's 'joke' on Snape was nothing - _nothing - _compared to this. Remus's anger may not have been as fiery as Lily's or as explosive as James's, but it burned deep within him. Sirius deserved Azkaban. Hell, the man deserved worse! If what he had done to Lily and James wasn't enough, if sending Voldemort to kill the child, Harry, his own _godson_, wasn't enough, he slaughtered Peter Pettigrew, a boy who'd very nearly worshipped him! Sirius blasted Peter to smithereens, and he didn't care who else got in the way. The man cared about his bloody motorbike than he cared about his best mate's entire family. Remus hated Sirius. The man had earned the privilege of rotting in Azkaban, and Remus wouldn't have it any other way.

Bargaining- Anything that the cosmic forces wanted him to give up, he would do it in a heartbeat if he could undo what Sirius had done. If he could die in their place, he wouldn't give it a second thought. Have society see him as a monster forever, why not? If they were still alive, he would go back in time and never have those friendships that made up so much of his youth. Have them hate him, hurt him, anything; so long as that Halloween night never happened.

Depression – Remus Lupin stood in front of James and Lily's headstone. It was a few days before Christmas, and the small village of Godric's Hollow was alive with holiday cheer. Walking through the town, Remus had seen the memorial erected in honour of his friends. A statue of the two of them, and little Harry of course - well James would have been pleased anyway. This was not the first time he had stood here, staring at the graves as though they held the key to a timeless puzzle. He read the words inscribed on the tombstone: 'The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death'. He had been the one to choose them, as James and Lily had no surviving family (unless one counted Lily' sister Petunia and her husband, who had not even attended the service). Remus hated to think about Harry living in her home. He wanted to see Harry. He thought perhaps seeing the little boy might allow him to grieve, but when he had approached Petunia about visiting Harry she had refused and threatened to alert the police if he ever came near her home. He turned to leave with the realization that he needed to face fact: he was Remus Lupin, the calm, the unshakeable. Two of his best friends were dead, and their deaths were brought about by someone whom he had trusted completely. He had lost another friend in Lily, and there was a young orphan out there who would never know how wonderful his parents had been. His safety net had been yanked out from under him just as he was getting used to its presence. All this and yet he hadn't shed a tear. Though some might aspire to be patient and level-headed, Remus Lupin wished that, just once, he could let go.


	2. Acceptance

Disclaimer: I don't own anything that looks familiar, and I am certainly not the incredible J.K. Rowling, though I doubt you ever thought that was the case. Any mistakes herein are mine alone.

Feedback, positive or negative, is always welcome.

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><p><strong>1995<strong>

Two weeks before, Remus Lupin had opened his front door to see a massive black dog on his front step. The dog had pushed its way inside and transformed into his old friend Sirius Black. He had proceeded to explain that they must gather the Order of the Phoenix - Voldemort was back and Harry, a boy of just fourteen, had escaped his from the madman's clutches once again.

They had taken to the task with vigour. They had contacted everyone they could, and were preparing to move to Grimmauld Place within the next few days (something that Sirius was decidedly less than pleased about).

It was late evening when Sirius turned to his old friend and said what had been in the back of his mind ever since his escape from Azkaban.

"Remus, I want to see their graves."

Remus set down his book and eyed his companion carefully. "Sirius..."

"Moony," Sirius said desperately, 'I need to see them, I need to... it's still not real, you know? I was there that night, I saw the house destroyed, but I just... I mean I want to..."

Sirius sighed. "Look, Moony, you know I was never great with words, but this is something that I have to do."

Remus surveyed him silently. When he finally spoke, his words were sown with hesitance. "Sirius I... yes, alright, we'll go. But Padfoot, if anyone catches you..."

"I'll go as Padfoot then," Sirius said at once. "No one will know that I'm anything other than a pet you brought with you. I... I have to see him, before I go back to that house."

Remus nodded reluctantly. "Tomorrow then. Be ready to leave early."

The next day dawned cloudy and grey, a state that persisted as the men set off. They apparated to a copse of trees just outside the village, and Sirius transformed into the great, Grim-like dog. As they made their way toward the little church and cemetery, they took the time to note the other monuments to their fallen friends. Sirius was silent as he stared at the ruined house, but when he saw the statue he let out a snort that was as close to a laugh as he could manage in canine form. Lupin smiled wryly.

"Hmm, can't you just picture James's face?" he murmured. Sirius gave a quiet bark of agreement.

They reached the church. Remus held open the kissing gate and followed his four-legged friend inside. He then took the lead, walking straight to the marble headstone bearing the names of his friends, but stopped a couple meters away, allowing Padfoot to approach first. Everything in Padfoot's body language spoke of deep sorrow. He gently bent his nose to the base of the tombstone and sniffed at the ground, as though searching for the sent of his friend. Remus felt his throat tightening and tried to swallow, only to be shocked out of it by the feeling of tears running down his face. He made no motion to wipe them off, too stunned he was by their appearance and too frightened that they would disappear if he did anything to stop them.

Padfoot turned and saw tears making their way down his friend's face. He glanced around cautiously. When he saw the graveyard was empty, he shifted back to his human form.

Remus looked horrified.

"Padfoot!" he hissed. "What are you doing? If anyone sees..."

Sirius walked over to his friend and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "Moony, there's no one but us here."

Remus wanted to protest, but he found that he could not. Instead, he wrapped an arm around Sirius. It was incredible to be here, with Sirius, in the place where he had been so sure that he would never have this friendship again.

Some minutes went by before Remus's tears stopped. Sirius fished a handkerchief out of a pocket of his robes and handed it to Remus, who used it to dry the tear-tracks on his face.

"So, the truth at last," Sirius said softly. "James and I had a bet you know. He was sure you were part vulcan, you were always so damn calm."

Both men chuckled weakly.

"No," Remus said. "James shouldn't have taken the bet. He saw my blood more than enough to know that it's not green."

"Well that's prongs for you."

Remus looked Sirius in the eye, and was surprised to see wetness glistening there. He opened his mouth; about to explain that he had never been able to cry before, and yes it was strange, but wasn't curious that it would happen now; but closed it again. Looking into Sirius's face, he realized that it did not matter. James and Lily were gone, and nothing could bring them back. But Remus was not nearly as alone as he had thought.

One last thought occurred to Remus as he and Sirius left the graveyard, arms still around each other. Even though things could never be exactly the same, it could be okay.

"So... that statue, did you help design it?" Sirius enquired.

Remus let out a laugh. Yes, he thought, things would be okay.


End file.
